Write on Wednesday is a great online writing community I have recently joined. Each week, exercises are posted, and bloggers add their link to the site. This week's exercise:
Write On Wednesdays Exercise 20 - Write the words " I thought I saw" at the top of your page. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Write the first words that come into your head after the prompt. Don't take you pen off the page (or fingers off the keyboard). Stop only when the buzzer rings! Do this exercise over and over if you wish. Write beyond 5 minutes if you like, you can link it up as an extra post.
I thought I saw...
I thought I saw a whale surface. Its back was glossy midnight. The waves swallowed it. I looked out again, and the white tips of the waves confused me. I turned back to my mother, who stood beside me. She had wiped her tears with her white, lace hanky, dirty with mascara.
"It's ok," I said, placing my hand on her elbow. She looked away, slumping her shoulders.
We had done this walk a thousand times, Mum and I. She loved whale watching, and she was equally thrilled when we saw a dolphin. But today nothing was going to impress her.
"It'll pass," I said, but she had walked on in front of me, and I don't think she heard.
I looked out across the ocean once more. I was now certain all I had seen was sea foam.
i liked how you managed to describe the emotions
ReplyDeletePowerful piece. I like how you described the mother, it was sad.
ReplyDeleteThat was a wonderful and emotional piece. I loved the line "Its back was glossy midnight" That was a great description. I also liked how you managed to build so many emotions in such a short piece.
ReplyDeleteWhat happened to the mother? I like the description in this piece.
ReplyDeleteVery emotional Zanni. I'm wondering what had happened to the mother that meant she couldn't enjoy something she loved so much.
ReplyDelete"Its back was glossy midnight." was also my favourite sentence. Such a beautiful way to describe a colour.
ReplyDeleteI wonder why the mother was so miserable despite doing something she loved. Did she recently lose her husband or another family member? Did something terrible happen? I want to know more...
Just one tiny comment: "equally as thrilled" is redundant. It should read "equally thrilled" or "just as thrilled" (or simply "as thrilled"). Other than that, pure excellence there. =)
/ Rain
I love how it leaves us inventing our own ideas about what has caused the mother to be so sad. It makes us interact with the story.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful descritpions throughout your piece. "Glossy midnight" was a magical way of expressing the color. I would like to know what her mother was crying about. Perhaps a continuation of the story??
ReplyDeleteGreat work!! :)
As with others, I thought "glossy midnight" was a beautiful descriptor, and I like the way it was left mysterious about the mother's saddness. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteNicely done. Strong descriptions that really made you feel like you were there, watching. :)
ReplyDeleteI, too, would like to read a follow up to this piece.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the characters here. I love sea life, especially dolphins, so going whale watching or dolphin watching is something I treasure. I did this in Myrtle Beach in June, and I loved every second of it.
I really liked the little glimpse into what could be an amazing story. Great piece!
ReplyDeleteI love the glossy midnight... what a beautiful description.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to know what caused her mother so much pain and sadness that she can't enjoy her beloved whale watching. Beautiful description throughout.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely beautiful writing, Zanni. I must admit I don't feel the need to know the details of what happened to the mother - this piece is so evocative and complete in itself, all the important stuff is right here. Perfect! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks also to Rain for her little snip of advice - I learned from it too!
Thanks for all your wonderful responses. I wrote this so quickly, and it really is a stand alone piece. But these exercises are so great for inspiring bigger works. Zx
ReplyDeleteI love this too, so many layers, the mother/daughter relationship, the upset, was there really a whale?
ReplyDeletewell done
Kate
I am glad you find the exercises inspire you! And if they inspire such beautiful pieces as this, then I'm even more pleased.
ReplyDeleteYou are a lovely writer, Zanni. Glossy midnight is a gorgeous description. Very nice piece. I hope you liked it as much everyone reading it!
Zanni, I have nominated you for a glossy Versatile Blogger Award. You've only written one piece here, yet from it I already know the ones to come will be excellent. =)
ReplyDelete/ Rain
Wow, thank you Rain. Thank you everyone!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful - so much more to come...
ReplyDelete